been in paris for six months. have three-ish left. sooo ready to be done although i also refuse to say that I Want To Leave Paris because i know a day will come when i’ll be back sitting in my parents house thinking “i’d rather be HERE than paris???”. so yes, i am waking each day with knots in my stomach and i dissociated the other day during a breathing exercise because of all my un-ease below the surface and i have to do somatic exercises every morning to calm my nervous system even after an entire night of rest, butttt i love putting on a good outfit and taking a little walk through the city and maybe grabbing a matcha or baked good and sitting in the park (side note: i spent €8.50 or ~$13 CAD on a trendy matcha the other day which is a line i never thought i would cross). do these positive moments redeem my negative experiences? undecided. i think they probably exist independently of one another and life doesn’t really balance out the way we like to think it does.
in other news, yesterday marked the end of my 12-week french course :’) still not where i expected i would be but happy to be a little more fluent. going to continue to work on my own - podcasts, french tv, flashcards, etc. now that i have my mornings free again i’d like to come up with a routine that gives me life but is also productive. i just have such a hard time balancing my need for routine and my distaste for monotony. i wanna have a coffee, work on my french, sit in the park, sit in a cafe, read, journal, and also work on graphic design stuff. not sure how to fit all of that into a routine and it’s giving me majorrrr decision paralysis.
it’s warm here again and life feels a little more tolerable. even when things come crashing down i know i can always go lay in the grass. i try not to let it get to that point.
when i moved here i wanted to get a second pair of shoes so i would browse the markets and thrift stores and such but never found anything. then i bought shoes on vinted and they didn’t fit. then i bought a second pair on vinted and the person lied about the size. then i bought knockoff tabis and they were too small. at this point im too scared to try again so i think me and my adidas spezial’s will just accept defeat. this feels pretty reflective of my life right now lol! im trying thing after thing after thing and i feel like doors are slamming in my face left right and centre. like god forbid something work out for this man. i hate to even write this because im like “well maybe im manifesting failure for myself by complaining” but whatever, there’s something to be said for emotional honesty. i really wish i could have some semblance of success in SOMETHING in order to encourage me and push me along that path, yet im convinced every higher power has abandoned me. maybe the question is what i’ll do when there is no where else to go.
one of my biggest struggles in life has been trying to discern whether a dead end means a) that that thing is no longer worth pursing, or b) that i am being tested to see if i will persevere to get what i really want. i think the latter probably isn’t true and stems from religious ideas that were planted deep into my psyche as a child (im looking at you genesis 22:9-12). the truth is that i am actually an extremely hard working person and will go to insane measures to get what i want, so the idea of being tested in that regard as if i haven’t “proven myself” in the past would seem like some kind of sick joke. up to the present moment, my resolution has been to just push forward against all odds so i guess there’s some virtue in that. maybe it’ll pay off or something. idk how any of this works
despite all the gloom, here are some good things that have happened lately:
- i had a good chocolate gelato yesterday
- i found a new cafe that has iced matcha w oat milk for €4.50
- i’ve found a new subgenre of music that i’ve been enjoying