took my vyvanse this morning for the first time in forever and grabbed the commuter train outside of paris to saint-germain-en-laye to go visit the house that debussy grew up in, and also check out a classical piano recital put on by the students at the local conservatory. i showed the man in the lobby my reservation and asked him where the concert was and he said premiere etage but then also something about deuxieme etage so i just went to the first floor and grabbed a chair in the performance room but there was literally no one else there except for the teacher and the performers and i realized that i was probably supposed to wait on the second floor until the actual start turn arrived so that was kinda awkward but it’s not that big of a deal i guess. the concert was so good though and there was this really hot guy who performed and i just think it’s so attractive when someone is talented at something like that. it was inspiring and made me want to play piano again (but not just because it’s a hot thing to do). afterwards people were mingling and i wanted to stick around and mingle and be a part of it all but i was alone and the french is always intimidating and i felt so out of place. i conceded to simply make a slow exit and say thank you to the teacher and one of the performers on the way out. those sorts of things always feel a little lonely and a kinda like failure in a way. i don’t really know why. i had a bit of a break before my reserved time to tour the rest of the house so i took a stroll around the quaint little town and looked for a boulangerie where i could get a sandwich. i got my sandwich and a coffee. looked for a bench but there weren’t really any. found a park where i could sit and eat. i sat and watched other couples in the grass.
there’s this feeling of dread all around me and i can’t get away from it. i open my eyes in the morning and worry about disapproval. it always feels like i’ve done something wrong. i know im not in trouble. i spend all of my energy making sure im not in trouble. and when i look around i don’t see everything. there’s too much to look at and it’s overwhelming and instead i see one thing at a time and there’s a fog or a blur or a dimness to everything. my feet are concrete and there are too many decisions to make so i often don’t make them. whenever i’m standing still i want to drop go the ground and curl up in a ball (ideally in the sun where it’s warm) and sleep for a few days. it’s as though i don’t have the capacity to hold up my own body. i think i’ve been over caffeinating myself to cope and it’s definitely making things worse and i think im not eating enough and i think im not sleeping well and i think there’s a lot of things im not doing.
the other day i tried chasing that manic feeling i sometimes get when i have a fun plan for the day and a coffee and it’s warm out but the feeling escaped me and then i felt worse than if i had never pursued it in the first place. it’s a good goal to want to feel happy in life but i think below the surface we just want that happiness because subconsciously we know it’s a sign that we are feeling fulfilled in other ways. i think pursuing happiness in and of itself is a mistake because picking and choosing what we want to feel exiles whatever it is that our deepest self really need to express. i believe this is the truth but i haven’t come to terms with it yet.