felt like i was dying last week. i keep falling into these major depressive episodes and they’re so hard to avoid. it’s like, i’ll have a whole weekend free with endless possibilities and then i’ll freeze. i’ll force myself to go for a walk around the neighbourhood and get a treat or something but my legs will just feel heavy and stiff like an un-lubricated machine that you’re forcing into motion and then i’ll take a power nap and still feel worse than before. realistically i think it’s probably a combination of a lot of things - burnout from a job that is highly demanding of my energy, lack of healthy boundaries in my current living environment, lack of purpose/meaning in my current phase of life, extreme heat, too much caffeine, etc. i did actually just decide to cut caffeine, as i realized that the last thing my exhausted nervous system needed were these external jolts of stimulation.
one day i decided to take a walk along the René-Dumont greenway - one of my favourite spots in paris. i walked and walked and finally reached this park where i plopped myself down on the grass in exhaustion. i took off my socks and shoes for a little grounding moment but didn’t really feel any different. just got annoyed that these tiny bugs kept crawling on me. they were annoying because you couldn’t really touch them or flick them off without killing them and i felt really bad about that. after sitting awhile i knew i would eventually have to get myself home so i forced myself up and started on my way. as i walked i thought more about my situation and why i was feeling so unhappy. i thought that all of my hardships over the years had taught me how to take care of myself, yet none of my coping strategies were working. this brought up some shame and frustration - why couldn’t i fix this?? it didn’t seem fair that i could do everything that was good for me and that i knew i was “supposed” to do and still not feel any different. at that point, i decided my only option was quiet perseverance; hoping that something outside of my control would eventually signal a shift.
sure enough, a couple days later once my schedule became busy yet again with my au-pair kids, i found myself still tired but less numb and dissociated. sometimes shitty distractions can still be helpful.
i feel i have more clarity as i reflect back on all this tumult. previously, i was under the impression that we are each in control of how we feel and if you are feeling poorly in any sense, there are things you can do to shift yourself out of that feeling, even if it takes some time. though i still think this is generally true, this belief was challenged when time was passing and the things i was doing weren’t helping. the thing is, sometimes you can’t change how you feel!!! and at that point, all you can do is accept the feeling. in fact, i think the feeling was so persistent because i wasn’t giving it the acceptance it needed. another thing i noticed was that because i didn’t have much going on and was pretty much just hanging out alone, i was consistently checking in on how i was feeling which only further reinforced the stuckness. i think it’s vital to give yourself a mental distraction that will allow your brain to take a quick break and realize that you don’t need to remain in that prior state.
even though im still feeling kinda lousy, i feel more normal now and im thankful for that. and in just 5.5 weeks i’ll be done this job and have some traveling coming up that i’m excited about:)