i sat by the canal this morning and it was so peaceful. i wish i was as nonchalant as everyone else. i know i think too much about myself. i like to imagine death doesn’t scare me but i think it would if it were to come right now. i shouldn’t be worried what other people think about me because they’re going to die and im going to die and also why would someone else’s opinion matter when that opinion is as finite as they are. i kinda wanna move to paris forever but i think maybe im just trying to hold onto some good here while i have it. that’s understandable but idk if it’s meant for me long-term. i wish i wasn’t so prone to thinking of life as there being best and worst moves to make because it adds so much pressure to everything i do and i already have a hard enough time making decisions as-is. i’m learning that the point is not to chase fleeting moments of happiness. but then im left without much of a schema on which to base my decision-making process. i think i just need to understand that a lack of happiness does not mean failure. i think it was ingrained in me that life with god is a life of joy and vice versa and its taking a lot to understand that neither of those are true.