back in my childhood home. i don’t feel good here. everything feels unsettled. i’ll have a break in my day and be hit with that existential dread in my gut. knowing that time is the most valuable thing in the world, and simultaneously being powerless to spend it in any way other than sitting frozen, pondering how i’m wasting the most valuable thing in the world.
i don’t know what i want. sometimes when you don’t know how to make a decision, you just have to pick one, knowing it’s a step forward regardless. in my experience, taking big steps helps to shake things up and launches me into new chapters. but, i’m scared of taking a big step and still not feeling good. in my mind a big step is supposed to make me feel better, so what happens if it doesn’t? what other option would i be left with? i know i’ve made it this far and believe wholeheartedly that i can make my way through any hardship, but what happens when my way of pushing through (i.e. making a big change to shake things up) doesn’t work anymore?
i might move to paris and im scared its a huge mistake and that im going to get there and be forced to come face to face with the fact that maybe my consistent source of hope up to this point in my life no longer holds any substance