i feel intensely that i’m not where i’m supposed to be and it hurts wow !!! i look around and things seem to fall into place so easily for other people and i know that’s not necessarily true but that’s what i see. i met a nice gay couple at my friend’s party and they seemed so comfortable together and it made me happy to see that but i couldn’t avoid reflecting on how i’ve never had that (besides a brief situationship that was blissful but caused me, like, permanent psychological damage). being unemployed with no career aspirations is also taking a TOLL. and now i feel washed up and as though i’m already past the part of my life where i should have experienced all these personal milestones and built more of a foundation for myself. i guess i have been doing this to some degree and do have things to be proud of (graduated uni, had my own apartment, had a “real job”, grew personally in a lot of ways, lived abroad for a year, did some solo travel) yet all of these things seem to have lead me… nowhere?
i guess i have this core belief that when you’re living in alignment with your highest self, you’ll effortlessly attract what’s meant for you and things will work out for your highest good and you’ll be generally happy because you’re aligned and manifesting what you desire. i think those feelings of personal satisfaction and knowing you’re living in an aligned way are also what manifest those positive things. i feel stuck though because i feel so out of alignment and i’m really struggling to “break in” to this cycle i speak of. i don’t feel good so i’m not attracting what i want into my life, and because i can’t force my life to take the shape i want it to, i’m feeling a lot of pain, which, in result, only feeds into the undesired shape my life is taking. i’ve been able to make it through hardships in the past knowing that they were making me stronger or that they were only temporary and there was something better on the other side, but now i find it nearly impossible to envision any kind of desirable future and also feel like this current pit i’m in isn’t really teaching me anything which makes my suffering feel more just like meaningless punishment or something. and this is crazy for me because i’ve always been such a “im going to get something out of this and use this struggle as a lesson” but for some reason i feel unable to do that rn. which sucks and is annoying. and then theres some shame there too because the idea of giving up or becoming bitter because life isn’t going my way is sooo antithetical to my personal philosophy and just who i am. it’s like all my energy is going into just making it through day to day that i don’t have any energy left for constructive purposes.
that being said, i am ok and somehow have faith that something will shift and my life will take a positive turn again. i remind myself often of how quickly things can change. i think i’m just hitting that mid-20’s wall and having to come face to face with the inevitable disappointments of life and accepting that time is fleeting and you can’t always force things to turn out how you want them to. things were very fixed for me growing up and then i think in adulthood i realized i had a lot more control than i realized, but now its like i’m having to learn that even though i have a lot of control, i don’t have TOTAL control
i guess maybe now, though, is the moment where i’m truly being tested? the vibes r like, what do you really do when you are at ur breaking point. and honestly like i said i do have faith that things will turn around and i guess thats what matters at the end of the day, even if it doesn’t change things in the present or make me feel any better