today i had a meltdown and found myself the closest i’ve ever been to deciding to leave paris (still not sure what’s going on with all of that). i will say, though, that this was one of the cuntier anxiety attacks i’ve had- eyes glazed over, riding through paris on a crowded line 7 with a long skinny cream-coloured scarf wrapped around my neck, contrasted by my all-black attire.
life often feels really hard here. mainly au-pairing. details aside, it’s incredibly difficult sharing a living space with another family (namely with two children). given that im a queer, neurodivergent 25 year old, this really is not shocking. moreover, the floors creak, my salt lamp isn’t here to comfort me and fix the ions or whatever, i can’t decorate my room and make it the kind of sanctuary im used to, im not really in control of my own diet, i can’t just blast weird-ass music and dance around wearing socially-unacceptable clothing, i miss my plants, and i can’t take a damn bath to escape the cold, harsh world anymore. i’m used to returning home at the end of the day to recharge and i’m learning how easy it is to fall back to rock bottom when your home isn’t actually somewhere you’re able to recharge. it’s also just not a great dynamic when you live with your boss and your job is a personal matter (e.g. essentially parenting their children). boundaries? ha ha ha.
heart still pounding, i stepped off the metro and found myself in the hellish-overstimulation of the busy streets surrounding the grands-magasins. i found a nearby park (those who know me know that im never not gonna have my eyes peeled for a green space in the vicinity) and was having a little moment when my i saw a friend of mine approaching like the guardian angel that they are. yes, we had made plans to meet up and they have my location, but i prefer to think of things as being divinely ordained. we talked, i cried, people saw, we hugged, my insides smiled. crazy what a hug can do sometimes. i think we’re all probably more than a little hug-deprived.
we passed the next two hours over tea in a cafe playing speed, talking about our old therapists, beginning the books we had just swapped, and eavesdropping on the customers at the next table over being hellaaa annoying to the staff. as we got up to leave, my feet felt glued to the earth and i found myself still in shutdown-mode but that was fine. sometimes the goal is not to feel differently but just to know that someone is there and willing to help shoulder the burden for a little while.
of all nights, this was the night for which i had bought a ticket to go see coco and clair clair. so, i returned home, did a quick outfit change, tried my hardest to switch my mind to baddie mode, and hopped back on good old line 7 to make my way to Le Trabendo. and guess what!!! the concert was nice and i had a good time and things didn’t seem so bad afterwards. frankly, it’s all of the ping-ponging with my emotions that i find the most frustrating because i find myself constantly changing my mind about whether or not the things im facing are too much. for tonight, at least, everything is ok.
i’ve found myself compiling a list of reasons that it’s worth fighting through the challenges to stay in the city:
- the pain and discomfort will always pass
- i found these tabi’s online that i want to order and they have free shipping to europe. and i know i could pay for shipping to canada but wearing a tabi in barrie ontario is not the same vibe as wearing a tabi in paris
- i haven’t yet drank enough wine by the seine
- i really want to finish my french course
- i want to have a little birthday party for myself and merge all of my paris besties. im not usually the type to do that but something about the unpredictability and potential chaos of it all is alluring.