recently i’ve been a bit down on myself, wondering if i’m doing things right and making the right decisions and correctly setting myself up to get where i’d like to be. worrying that i’ve wandered onto a path that isn’t for me. hearing a voice in my head telling me that my suffering is a warning that i need to be somewhere else. imposing too many “should”s.
when i made the decision to leave toronto in search of something different abroad, i was terrified that i was making a mistake. terrified that i’d look back and regret leaving everything behind. but at the time, my life felt devoid of passion or fulfillment, and i knew i couldn’t keep going the way i was. i also had to accept that leaving meant giving up my income, saying goodbye to my friends and family, letting go of my lovely little downtown one-bedroom apartment, and stepping away from the comfort of the familiar. and the truth is, many of my worst fears did come true.
my initial voyage was a two-month trip to the maltese countryside where i was working at a farmhouse airbnb in exchange for a free place to stay. though the environment was incredibly beautiful, i was living on a property with ~12 other people around at any given time, meaning my moments of solitude were incredibly few and far between. i took what i could get and learned to be creative in finding ways to meet my quiet time quota, but i would be lying if i said the whole experience didn’t make me a little (more than a little) crazy. in addition, i was being faced with a crazy boss who belittled me and really made me doubt myself at times. all of the comforts i had left behind in canada were gone, and at the end of the day it was just me and myself. i was also incredibly stressed at this time, feeling the pressure to quickly find some other placement somewhere that would allow to prolong my time abroad and avoid having to return to the unsustainable lifestyle i had put behind me.
miraculously, i stumbled upon what appeared to be the perfect au-pair position in the heart of paris. 6 weeks later, my plane touched down at charles de gaulle and i stared out the car window in awe of the city as my new au-pair mom drove me to what would be my new home for the next 10 months. things started well, but i soon came to the realization that au-pairing was not everything i was expecting it would be. the kids were more difficult than i anticipated, and the expectations seemed to get higher and higher until my duties were basically unrecognizable from how they were initially defined. this, combined with (again) a lack of solitude and personal space, made life feel incredibly difficult (read about my 1. march 23, 2025). this is where i am now.
i left my old life behind in hopes of catching a break and finding ease in my everyday life, yet instead i’ve found myself experiencing crisis after crisis. i’ve been asking myself: where did things go wrong? if i could do this again, what would i change? how can i avoid these painful experiences in the future? at the same time though, i’m not sure that these are the right questions to ask. why am i so quick to assume that something went wrong simply because things feel difficult? what if things being difficult means that i’m exactly where i’m supposed to be, in order to learn the lessons i’m meant to learn?
no one likes to suffer, yet i’ve been learning that it’s not a bad thing. is it not that very label that exacerbates the pain of suffering? instead, i’ve been trying to abolish my resistance to what is, and reframe my pain as a blessing even if it’s not what i was originally seeking. i’m so grateful that i get to experience the richness of the full spectrum of human emotion. i’m grateful for the ways that my challenges have given me the chance to grow into the version of myself i would not have been able to become otherwise.
i’ve grown to adopt a deeper appreciation for my sensitive nature and come to grasp that true resilience is not a measure of how much something bothers you, but how you navigate such hardships when they arise. i’ve learned that other people’s feelings towards me are usually more of a reflection of who they are rather than who i am. people trying to tell me who i am has forced me to learn that i’m the only one who gets to determine that. i’ve learned that it’s ok to depend on the people around me rather than managing everything on my own. i’ve learned that sometimes good enough is good enough, and it’s not fair or healthy for me to push myself past my limits (shocker!).
i’m also more familiar and attentive to my needs than ever before. i’ve come to accept that my needs are different than most people, and that’s not a bad thing. i respect the feelings that i feel, even when i don’t know why i’m feeling them. i know what works for me in terms of regulating my nervous system, and i’ve learned to care for myself in the same way i would care for someone i love.
i feel it’s also important to add that not every challenge is necessarily worth enduring. sometimes we need to ask ourselves whether our current situation is something that will help us grow in a way that is truly worthwhile, or whether it’s merely draining us without any real benefit. sometimes growth comes not from forcing ourselves to endure a hard time, but knowing when to leave a difficult situation (if possible, of course) and choose ourselves instead. the latter is not giving up, but letting go.
i like to imagine that this growth i’ve experienced is exactly what will allow me to shift into the life that i’ve been desiring. perhaps my unhappiness and dissatisfaction was life prior to my travels were necessary in order to push me to leave so that i could experience the things that have changed me into who i am today. it’s also equally likely that that’s just my human nature trying to make sense of my pain in a chaotic world. lol.
sometimes i put myself back in the mind of myself in toronto in july of 2024 before i left and wonder whether i would do anything different if i knew what i knew now. though the last 8 months have been way more difficult and painful than i had envisioned, i feel i can say that i don’t regret anything. sure, i could have made some different decisions and avoided some painful moments, but life isn’t about avoiding pain. everything is only ever temporary. my life is unfolding exactly how it’s supposed to, and i am being forged into the person i’m meant to become with each and every passing moment, both good and bad.